[This blog is about my personal experience. I am not an expert in Buddhism, art, or AI. Just sharing my journey & inspirations. Also, I’m adding elements as I go along, so it’ll get more layers like art, summaries, citations, etc later.]

There is a Spanish phrase, “El camarón que se duerme, se lo lleva la corriente”, which translates directly into “A shrimp that falls asleep gets carried away by the current.” It’s essentially a way to say circumstances can sweep you away if you’re not mindful. Almost like a “snooze, you lose” kind of thing. I don’t remember hearing it often as a child, but the imagery stuck. I always see a tiny little shrimp waking up being tossed around in a current too powerful for it. Quédate con migo por un momentito…

La Camaroncita

As a young one I got caught in an undertow while at the beach with my family in PR. In an instant I went from swimming my little heart out to being in a death trap without knowing what was happening or how to make it stop. Tumbling around under the water, I had no idea which way was up. I couldn’t grab on to anything. Different parts of my body kept scraping sand, shells, and rocks. Everything was burning and I couldn’t keep hold of my breath. It was terrifying. It’s a dramatic and kinda long story but cutting to the chase, I’m positive it was divine intervention that saved me. With almost no air left in my body, I hit the sand during one of my forced acrobatics at an angle where I was somehow able to dig my fingernails then feet into the sand. I had just enough hold to push against the pull of the ocean that was trying to drag me away. In retrospect, it might not have been that strong of an undertow if a kid could get out, but at the time, it felt like I had escaped Poseidon’s wrath.

It took a little while to get over my brush with a watery end, as I really did think I was going to die and there were other things happening at the time. However, it made me a much smarter and stronger swimmer. I didn’t ever want to experience that again. After some (gentle) lectures about being a little too atrevida, I had time to reflect and was genuinely blown away that I didn’t realize that the ocean was that dangerous. Not the creatures in the ocean (of which I always had a deep respect and healthy fear), but the ocean, itself, was dangerous! I had been told every time I was taken out to swim, but I didn’t realize it until I was being tossed around under the water like a little shrimp in a ferocious current.

It was a truly memorable experience. And I feel like I’m having one of those moments again, decades later. I know that sounds super dramatic, since that was a life or death situation, and this is not, but it’s actually kinda worse than life or death though.

Despertando

I’ve been working on this site, and what I wanted to share as an artist, under my own name, for a looooooooooong time. It’s been decades. I’ve done all kinds of work in different arts but it was usually more supportive, or with some company where I was not going to get credit cause it didn’t work that way, or others just flat out took credit for my work and I didn’t have any recourse, or it felt like I was working for some one/thing evil and I was willing to sacrifice anything to get out… you get the idea. Any way it happened, the result was the same, I refused to go all out under my own name. Especially not with anything that wasn’t right and something always felt like it wasn’t right. I know it sounds like perfectionism, but the Integrity-Perfectionism line is subjective. All I could do was follow my gut.

It may just be a combination of nuerodivergence + a spiritual childhood environment, but there has always been an all-encompassing drive in me that I could not quite articulate and could not give up. It was a part of my heart which felt important and connected art to something way bigger than me and I didn’t want to compromise that. I couldn’t sacrifice that much of my heart. It felt like I would lose everything. I didn’t have any reason to believe that. I just believed it. Still do.

To that end, I spent my time and money educating myself in whatever rang as important; whatever felt like a piece of my heart’s life-long inexpressible wish. Anything that involved spirituality, technology, or artistry was particularly compelling. So I would jump back and forth between educational environments and corporations/non-profits with personal development training. Each jump boosting or creating new understandings and skills. It was amazing and I’ve been fortunate to have had that kind of access to training & development. I always made mistakes and there are always regrets, but I also always felt like I was getting closer to my uncompromising goal, even if I was going the painful, complicated, difficult, uphill, up-stream, occasionally reckless, super extra long way there. (Side note: one of the bonuses of being GenX was experiencing, IMHO, the peak of corporate professional development incentives. There are occasional benefits to being part of a small generation.)

The choice to focusing my creative energies on devotional arts and crafts came from my dharma studies and the overwhelming desire to share the profound and immense benefit of dharma. It is a sincere and heartfelt wish. It’s also a little overwhelming as there is no end to inspirations and art forms and translations and expressions. I wanted to use everything I had learned through a dharma lens and with all the areas that I had studied, it was a lot of creativity that was arising. The only problem was time. In order to do everything, it would take me so much time. I had the software and creative skills, but I didn’t have the financial backing to bring together a team. So it was just me.

So when I got access to AI, I was smitten! As I saw it then, it was the technological leverage I needed, as an artist, to actualize my perfect vision, in any/all of the art forms that I had been pursuing forever! (*Insert happy dance here*) I could see exactly how I could use it to create work that was not stealing, cause I could also use AI to check it. Right?! There were so many processes and procedures that I could institute in order to use the tool responsibly. Besides, AI couldn’t quite get my goals, writing and illustration styles (intersectionality and human spiritual connections for the win), so most of the work would have to be me, anyway. And it was. This was particularly important to me because my vision included sharing my spiritual experience and explorations of Buddhism. So I started running with it. It was the future of personal creation and I wanted to play! I didn’t want to miss an opportunity that was so fascinating and beneficial. Like the shrimp.

So, for the past few years I prayed and created analog, digital, and AI art then reworked that art then edited that art and turned that art into other forms of art and then turned those forms of art into products and then tried to post it… any of it… and… I just couldn’t do it. After decades of gathering equipment and skills, I had absolutely everything I needed. Yet there I was, flooded with creativity, ideas coming to me every day, at least half of which I could flesh out in a fraction of the time it normally took me just by using AI, but I could not get anything (other than descriptions and intentions) out into the world. Even though I could still create regular graphic design and art work for other people, I was bottlenecked in my own tech-enhanced ambitions. I was soooooo close but completely blocked. 

I couldn’t understand what was going on. Nothing made sense. No changes in workflows, art mediums, dharma focus, or project management approach made a difference. I was trapped without knowing why and I just couldn’t get a grip to get out of it. I felt like I was getting banged around by the universe, like I was in a sort of cosmic undertow.  

As embarrassing as it is to say, it wasn’t until my end of year self-analysis that it really all clicked together and I realized I was in a cosmic undertow! In my exuberance over being able to explore and create so efficiently, I wasn’t mindful of how dangerous the current was.

Una Corriente Maldito

I jumped down a research rabbit hole and consumed as much information as I (reasonably) could about AI. I had to take breaks, cause as I kept learning, my heart kept deflating. I was most definitely in a cursed current. La vergüenza! I wasn’t being mindful of the point of what I wanted to create. I thought I was, but I wasn’t checking myself… complete foolishness! I didn’t keep on top of the cost and awoke tumbling in a cursed current. I didn’t like it at all.

It turned out to be a blessing that my work was bottlenecked! It gave me time to snap out of the enchantment. Every bit of convenience I had been experiencing was coming at the cost of others. It didn’t matter that I was working so hard to use Generative AI elements for something beneficial. It was actually so much worse. I was trying to develop art focused on sharing with and supporting those pursuing enlightenment. It was a Right Livelihood goal.

Even if only a fraction of the (increasing) data about the economic, environmental, social, and political impacts of Generative AI are provable (yet), it’s still a tragedy. Making any use at all of Gen AI for dharma related images feels like it could be a contaminated action at best, and a curse on everyone, at worst. I’m still doing research, but so far it looks like the impacts of all of this could be devastating. So I am truly grateful for the bottleneck that kept me from participating in the spread of Generative AI while attempting to share my love of dharma. And am filled with so much regret.

Even though I didn’t end up posting the work or making any money from Gen AI, it wasn’t because I was making a conscious decision to not participate. It was more the Buddhas helping me out by throwing massive (and varied) obstacles at me non-stop until I woke up… and it took years. I regret that with everything in me. I wish I had made different decisions. I never needed to use generative AI. I was just mesmerized and having so much fun. It’s so cringy. Not because I want to shame anyone using Generative AI, but because using it for my work, the way it is now, conflicts directly with my spiritual and creative goals. The exact thing I never wanted to compromise.

I don’t know a whole lot about everything that is happening. I’m still educating myself. And I understand that AI is not going away, that there’s a race happening at a grand scale with the future of our species on the line, and that I’m pretty ignorant of a lot of what is happening in this global AI revolution. However, I’m clear that AI used in workflows, processes, and research (which is supportive) is very different from popping out copycat work that lacks fair use, consent, credit, or compensation. As cool as Generative AI is (and it is life-changing-ly cool), until there are protections for the artists that are the true creators of what is training the engines, the communities who are impacted, and the environment (which I am sure is coming…we’re just not there yet), it feels like bad karma. I didn’t see the harm before. I can’t see anything but harm now. 

I haven’t finished my Right Livelihood research yet. I’m working on a mind map to visually breakdown the analysis and I was going to hold off on posting this until it and a few illustrations I want in the post were done and perfect, but I’m tired of waiting for perfection. So I’ll add it here when it’s done.

Btw, the sutras I’m looking into are: Magga-vibhanga Sutta (SN 45.8), Vanijja Sutta (AN 5.177), Cunda Kammaraputta Sutta (AN 10.176), Nibbedhika Sutta (AN 6.63), Sigalovada Sutta (DN 31), Dighajanu Sutta (AN 8.54), Appaka Sutta (AN 8.30), Abhaya Sutta (MN 58), and Brahmajāla Sutta (DN 1)

Right Livelihood Analysis Map

<Right Livelihood Analysis Map>

Even though I’m not done with my research, I know I can’t use Gen AI if I’m going to continue this pursuit of spiritual art and I want to be transparent about it. I’m not saying I won’t use AI ever. That’s probably going to be impossible. But any AI that I use will be limited to supportive-only (spell-check, workflow, etc). I am taking down any Gen AI work I have around (I’m doing it by hand, so it might take me a little bit). I am also posted my NO GEN AI intention and I’m working on a Right Livelihood checklist for myself which I’ll also share when it’s done. Speaking of which… 

No Gen AI Intention

<No gen ai intention image>

1. No Gen AI Work: I promise not to use Generative AI for my work. (I can’t promise I won’t end up in a family member’s funny family video, so I can’t speak in absolutes but I hope you understand what I mean.)
2. Right Livelihood Alignment: I promise to work harder to make sure my work aligns with Right Livelihood. 
3. Documentation: I promise to work on documenting my inspirations and processes (as best as I can without sabotaging the daylights out of myself) so I can share them. 
4. Skillsharing: I promise to share information on creating devotional art and dharma crafts without AI. 

Personal Right Livelihood Checklist

<Right Livelihood Checklist>

There may still be an ethical technological future awaiting us. I truly believe it’s possible and I pray we get there quickly but we’re not there yet. Even with alternative energies and other reasons to have hope for AI, we just need to make sure we’re careful, so… yeah, this was truly my bad. 

Working on it.

Love,

The remorseful shrimp swimming her tail off!

 

Translation notes for my non-Spanish-speaking peeps: (Please note that the following translations are not official. They are life and family based.)

“Despertando la camaróncita en una corriente maldita” Waking up the little shrimp in a cursed current.

“El camarón que se duerme, se lo lleva la corriente” A shrimp that falls asleep gets carried away by the current.

“Quédate con migo por un momentito” Stay with me for a quick minute.

“Atrevida” Reckless

“La vergüenza!” The shame.